Lorelei And The Whitby Kiss

Lorelei And The Whitby Kiss – Samantha Crosby

Read on, my kittlings.....


“Where are we, Lorelei?” asked The Chef.

Scotland had been a wash out and Lorelei had dragged them through and back out of the Astral more times than they cared to remember. The whole time, an accompaniment of chattering baby goat fairies had nearly driven everyone mad.
Lorelei shrugged.

“Yorkshire. Coast. Vampires. Dunno.” And she walked away down the winding cobbled street in the darkness, rain spattering at her heels. The Chef lit a cheroot.

“Well it ain’t Kansas that’s for sure.”

Beside him, Delilah curled a hand around his arm and whispered something.

“Don’t shout darlin’, I hears ya.”

He smiled down at her dark head.

“Whitby is it? Ain’t this the place where that ol’ vampire guy hid out?”

Delilah nodded her head and closed her eyes. The Chef tipped back his hat.

“Only too glad to be of service ma’am,” he muttered as he bent his head towards her..

*****


“I do not like this pile of stones!” Valerie shouted.

“I want a proper home for my children! They need to play and eat, and I need to fu…”

“Funnily enough,” Goat Boy interjected quickly, “I was thinking that same thing. We can’t hide out in a ruin for very long.”

Whitby Abbey stood crumbling and ancient around them. The moon had taken gothic pity on them and come out in sympathy, so that everything was bathed in a gentle yet sinister silvery light.

A small gypsy caravan, painted black, with curtains over every window, housed the myriad baby goat-fairies. Goat Boy was half way through installing sound proofing. His children were very loud.

Valerie pulled at the belt around the waist of her Grecian style, white dress. She had discovered she LOVED clothes, and was usually buried in fashion magazines. Albeit ones from the 1970s.

“I hate this place. It smells of dust.”

The Chef and Delilah walked up the hill to the Abbey and joined Goat Boy and Valerie.

“Where is she?” asked Goat Boy quietly. The Chef shook his head.

“Walked off. I am worried about her. She can’t see past Charlie boy.”

He sighed and cast a glance at Delilah.

“If anythin’ happened to my girl, I don’t know where I would be?”

Goat Boy looked at Valerie.

“Nothing will EVER happen to my girl. She happens to everyone else. But I know what you mean. What can we do? We can’t bring him back.”

Delilah shadowed into their view. She had a habit of doing that.
She said something Goat Boy didn’t catch. Valerie smiled. It seemed Delilah was the only person she DID smile at, other than Goat Boy after a surfeit of pies.

“We can.”

Goat Boy looked at Valerie.

“We can what?”

“We can bring him back. The Clown. The girl with the eyes said so.”

All three of them turned to look at Delilah.

She said something.

Goat Boy swallowed hard. The Chef found an emergency bottle of bourbon.

“We can’t go to Him. We can’t.”

Goat Boy felt dizzy. He had read Delilah’s lips.

“We can, you know. Hic,” replied The Chef.

“Who is this man?” asked Valerie.

The goat and the man looked at each other.

“Honey, he is the God of Thunder,” said the Chef nervously.

“He is badder than Satan himself,” said Goat Boy.

“He will eat us alive. All of us,” said the Chef.

“An’ his tongue is 9 inches long,” said Goat Boy.

Valerie smiled slowly.

“Introduce me. I demand it. And his name?”

Goat Boy and The Chef looked at each other and swallowed . Hard.
The Chef ran a hand around his now sticky collar.

“His name. Well, honey?”

Goat Boy coughed.

“Gene Simmons.”

*****.

They built a small fire and slept uneasily around it, Valerie curled perfectly in Goat Boy’s arms, The Chef and Delilah wrapped in an old horse blanket of Agatha’s. Agatha herself drooped by the caravan. She missed her master. Born in the Astral, she was an ephemeral horse, and she was getting dimmer and dimmer the longer The Other One had been gone. Lorelei had finally come back and was sitting on a gravestone in St Hilda’s churchyard, a way down the hill. Even from this distance they could see she was sobbing quietly.
Valerie slept. Since her children had arrived she did indeed sleep, for which Goat Boy was very grateful. Delilah also slept. The Chef and Goat Boy did not.

“Wen..Chef, we can’t go to Him, we just can’t.”

The Chef snorted softly.

“Don’t see’s how we have much choice, sheep man. Lorelei needs her man back. She is just gonna pine away an’ die.”

Goat Boy nodded. With The Other One gone, he had grown up and fast. He and The Chef had a duty of care now, for Lorelei. She was drowning in sorrow, and she only had them to help her.

“Where do we find this Simmons, then?” asked Goat Boy.

The Chef had cooked a fine mutton curry, which always made Goat Boy nervous.

Delilah said something.

“He has to be summoned. There are rituals to carry out. Like magyk…” replied The Chef through a mouthful of spice and bourbon.

“Then, if you are lucky, he shows up.”

“There’s gotta be some rough kind of payment though?” asked Goat Boy.

The Chef nodded.

“Money. Lotsa money.”

Goat Boy sighed, relieved. At least no one had to kill anyone for a change, or be sacrificed.

“Oh, and a virgin sacrifice,” added The Chef.

Goat Boy sighed again.

“At least Valerie is safe…”

The Chef smiled and looked at Delilah. He blushed.

“Yeah, my darlin’ is safe too.”

“So, we need money. And a virgin…”

The Chef shifted and managed to stand up without disturbing Delilah too much.
He reached a hand inside his long duster coat, bottom right. Then he pulled out a small suitcase. Carefully he laid it on the ground. It was slightly damp and Goat Boy was sure it hiccupped softly....Then The Chef opened the lid and looked inside.

“Round about a coupla million dollars, I think. Now, about that virgin…”

*****


Whitby by night was deserted. Lorelei, unable to sleep, paced the cobbled streets of the old side of town, stopping to peer into shop windows but not really seeing anything. Once or twice she caught sight of her own reflection. The streak of white at each temple was broader, her dark eyes had lost their glitter, she was too thin. She wanted Charlie back. And she felt like wandering into the sea and never coming back out. A small cough beside her drew her attention.

“Hello Wade.”

Wade, the alligator boy, looked up at her.

“How are you, L?”

Lorelei shook her head.

“Lost. Scared. Alone. How the fuck do you think I am?”

Wade frowned sadly.

“Sorry. I was worried about you. The circus is on a break. Thought I’d come visit.”

Lorelei looked at him.

“No, I’m sorry Wade. I didn’t mean to…oh you know. It’s so damn hard.”

Wade nodded.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

And he reached up and took her hand and led her back up the endless steps to the Abbey.

*****


Lorelei managed a couple of hours sleep. She was woken by the smell of frying bacon and mushrooms, and baking bread. Idly she wondered how the hell The Chef managed to bake bread in a ruined Abbey with no oven. The coat, it must be that damn coat. One day she would try it on….She caught her breath. The Chef was staring over at her, a blank gaze in his shark eyes. No, she thought, I won’t EVER try it on.

She managed to eat a little, then felt sick and dizzy and had to stop. Delilah was eating chocolate cake laced with gin. Goat Boy was eating anything in site. Valerie was shouting at her children and trying to get them back into the gypsy caravan.

“Do as I say or I will cut your ears off!”

The chorus of rude words and bahs from the Pauls was very loud indeed.

Delilah smiled to herself through the cake and said something. The Chef handed her a Battenburg. Which she ate in one go.

“So, where are we going to get a virgin from?” asked Lorelei, who had been briefed on the Gene Simmons issue.

She had absolutely zero faith in the plan coming off. Only Dementer could bring Charlie back, and no one knew where he was. Wade had heard rumours he had drowned, been shot, or was living on some far flung island , surrounded by alien bodyguards. All were possible.
The Chef shook his head.

“One of us will have to go and pick up a girl. Not ME,” he added quickly, feeling the glare from Delilah without having to look at her.

Valerie smiled.

“I will do it. How will you know if a girl is a virgin anyway? They all lie.”
“How will YOU know” asked Goat Boy sharply.

Valerie rolled her eyes.

“By smell, stupid goat. And who could resist me?”

She smoothed down the soft green velvet of her long, low cut dress. Lorelei had to admit she had a point. With her long golden hair shining, her 800 watt smile and her tie me to the bed NOW eyes, there were precious few beings who could resist Valerie. Lorelei still remembered that night in Scotland, with Valerie’s cool hand on her thigh. She wouldn’t have turned her down.

“Behave yourself. She has to STAY a virgin, remember?”

“Tch. I am doing this for her,” retorted Valerie, cocking her head at Lorelei. “And I need a night away from the children. They are driving me mad. And when the next arrive?”

“What?” gulped Goat Boy.

“Oh, did I not say? You shall be a father again.”

Goat Boy fainted.

*****

As dusk fell, Valerie shimmered her way down the steps from the Abbey and into Whitby at night. She chose at random a pub called The Elsinore. It was cosy and nautical, and full of Goths. All chatter stopped when Valerie walked in. She had hidden her wings but nothing could stop her glow. She walked to the bar.

“Pint. Strongarm.”

The bar man swallowed hard and poured her a drink.

“On the house.”

He smiled shyly at her. Valerie took the drink and found a seat near the window. She turned her attention to the customers. The most likely candidate was a small, dark haired Goth girl, sitting beside a large man with three cameras hanging from his neck. Valerie sniffed. Virgin. Draining her pint in one go, she stood and walked over to the couple.

“I am Valerie.”

The girl gasped and looked up at her.

“I’m Brenda.”

The man with the cameras held out his hand to Valerie.

“Brenda is my assistant. I’m Neil. Neil Van-Twilight.”

Valerie took his hand in hers and kissed it lightly. She recognised what he was straight away, with one look at his lovely, bright blue eyes.

“Vampire killer.”

Neil smiled slowly.

“Faery.”

Valerie nodded.

“And one that needs a virgin. Urgently.”

“Don’t we all?” said Neil. And he looked at Brenda slyly.

“There won’t be biting, will there?” asked Brenda nervously. “I’m fed up of being bitten, Mr Van-Twilight.”

Neil looked at Valerie.

“I do not know. I suspect you may die,” Valerie said.

Brenda sniffed.

“I already did. I’m one of the bloody undead. It’s a pain in the arse to be honest. As long as there is no biting, I don’t mind being killed again. It’s in my contract of employment.“

Valerie raised an eyebrow.

“Follow me,” she said, and swept out of the pub and off into the night.

*****


When they reached the Abbey, the most delightful aroma of onion soup wafted across the ruins. The Chef was cooking up a storm, and Delilah had her dress on back to front.

“I have brought a virgin,” announced Valerie, unfurling her wings and dragging Goat Boy behind a falling down wall.

Brenda and Neil surveyed The Chef and Delilah , and tried to avoid the swarm of goat faeries that had taken to dive-bombing anyone within three feet of them.

“How lovely!” exclaimed Brenda, as one got stuck in her hair.

“What are you called?” she asked, and the small, flying goat bahhed at her.

Delilah said something.

“Paul,” said The Chef. “They are all called Paul. Don’t ask.”

Neil sat down beside the camp fire and tried not to hear Valerie’s cries of passion.

“So, what’s the deal? Why do you need a virg..what the fuck is THAT?”

He scurried backwards as the damp suitcase full of dollars advanced on him.

“Down boy!” shouted The Chef, and the suitcase sulked and became still again.

“Sorry about him,” he went on. “Ok, Lorelei over there, her man got killed and we need to bring him back to life. We is gonna raise Gene Simmons and get him to reanimate Chas. But Gene needs a lotta money , which we got, and a virgin, which we also now got.”

He looked at Brenda.

“Bit skinny ain’t she?”

Neil nodded.

“She won’t eat much. Says she has to watch her figure.”

He eyed her up and down.

“She’s the only one that DOES watch it. There’s nothing of her.”

“Shut up,” said Lorelei evenly, toying with a shoe of death and narrowing her eyes at Neil.

Neil looked right back at her.

“You know, you remind me of someone. Some guy I met in Amsterdam the other week. Can’t bring him to mind….anyway. So, you do some summoning, Gene appears, you give him the girl and the dosh and then he brings this guy back to life?”

The Chef nodded.

“That’s about it. I don’t think he actually KEEPS the virgin, I think you can have her back when he’s done with unvirginising her.”

“Will you stop talking about me like I am not here,” muttered Brenda.

The Chef shook his head and smiled.

“Sorry honey. Ok, let’s get this done.”

And he began to assemble the required ingredients.

*****

On the stroke of midnight, Lorelei, Valerie, Delilah, Goat Boy and Neil sat in a circle, holding hands. The Chef stood to one side of them, a huge pot of something red and smoking and bubbling in front of him. Brenda stood in the middle of the circle, looking cross. The suitcase was tied to a rock to stop it wandering away.
The Chef looked at the little crowd and cleared his throat.

“Listen up. I am going to have to take my coat off. You might see ..things. Try not to go insane.”

Delilah closed her eyes. Valerie rolled hers.

“How bad can it be?” asked Neil, grinning at Goat Boy. Who also had his eyes closed.

“Don’t look, man, just don’t look.”

The Chef took his coat off. Valerie took a quick glance, swallowed hard and closed her own eyes. Neil saw a flash of smoking shark and something quite dark, moist, with tentacles, and then he fainted.
The world stopped for a moment and was silent.

“Y’all can open your eyes now,” said The Chef, safely back in his coat.

Brenda slapped Neil across the face until he came round.

“Shar..Cthul…shit, that was ..he..stop slapping me, woman!”

Brenda stopped, reluctantly.

“Well?” asked Lorelei.

This whole thing was a waste of time. The rest of her life was a waste of time.

The Chef smiled over her head and she turned. In the distance, walking up the steps to the Abbey, was a very tall man, in stack heeled boots the height of a small child, his black hair tied into a strange knot on the top of his head, white and black makeup turning him into a demon. As he drew nearer he leered at Lorelei, and poked a huge tongue out in her general direction.

“I was made for loving you,” he drawled, blood dripping from his mouth onto his chin.

Lorelei scowled back but kept calm. Somewhere in the back of her mind, a little voice was telling her that this whole crazy plan might actually stand a chance of working.

“There’s your virgin, there’s your money. Now what?”

Gene towered over her.

“Back to my mansion for a few beers and maybe a film or two, and then who knows?”

He reached out a hand and stroked her hair. Lorelei tried not to flinch.

“Lead the way.”

Gene smiled lazily.

“Meet you in the ladies room…”

*****


No one could remember exactly how they arrived at Gene’s mansion. One moment they were standing by the Abbey, the next moment they were drenched in astonishingly hot sunshine outside the hugest, goldest house they had ever seen.
Gene opened the door and motioned for them to follow inside.

Goat Boy gasped . Every wall was covered with pictures and photos of Gene, his name was woven into the carpets, models of him stood on every surface. And there were mirrors EVERYWHERE.

Brenda had gone very quiet and her hands were shaking. Gene had placed an arm around her shoulders and was holding her close.

“You guys go hang out in my den. Me and Brenda here will go and…have some fun. Then we will get down to it.”

And with that Gene picked Brenda up and slung her over his shoulder. He dragged the suitcase behind him with his free hand and they disappeared up the stairs.

“I guess this is the den,” said The Chef, pushing open a pair of ruby study doors. And it was. A den for the richest person in the world.
One side of the room was all tv screen, and lined up in rows were numerous squashy suede chairs.

“It’s a fucking CINEMA!” exclaimed Neil, his cameras knocking excitedly against each other. “What films has he got?”

Valerie sighed and looked at Goat Boy.

“Do not make us watch that Humph film again. I am bored of that.”

Goat Boy raised his eyebrows.

“Humpp. It’s Doctor Humpp. Jesus Val, don’t you ever listen?”

Lorelei sat down on a huge pink sofa in the shape of a pair of lips. And not of the facial variety.

“What do we do now?”

The Chef smiled and sat down beside her.

“Wait I guess. And see if there is anything to drink?”

“You called, Sir?”

The Chef jumped as a smartly dressed waiter appeared from nowhere, holding a tray with lots of glasses of champagne on it. The waiter had a slightly mental look in his eye, and he winked every so often for no reason.

“Erm yeah. Thanks.”

The Chef took a glass and handed it to Lorelei.

“Arse!” shouted the waiter. “Fuck!”

Valerie smirked and opened her mouth.

“Before you say anything, its Tourettes disease,” said Goat Boy. “Not Tardis or tourists or anything else your loony mind throws up.”

“Would the Sirs and Madams like anything to eat?” asked the waiter.

“A hot dog would be nice,” said Neil, taking two glasses of champagne.

“You Cun…”

“You couldn’t make that two hotdogs, could you?” Lorelei interjected quickly. “What’s your name by the way?”

“Manuel, “ said the waiter. “I am from Barcelona. I am sorry about the swearing.”

The Chef smiled.

“Don’t worry, you ain’t crazy, man, Manuel.”

Manuel looked at him.

“I am though, Very. Mr Simmons does not want me here any longer. I need a new job. Would you be looking for a Donkey Knobs! waiter by any chance?”

Valerie was almost hysterical with laughter.

“Please, let us have him. He is a wonder.”

Manuel smiled and bowed slightly.

“Thank you Madam. I will serve you Bollocky Tosser! well.”

*****



They drank champagne and watched Slapshot. Valerie didn’t understand anything about the film, but was happy to leer quietly at Paul Newman throughout. Every so often she glanced at Goat Boy. Unfavourably.

“Where can I find this Mr Newman?” she asked Lorelei quietly.

“Don’t know. Don’t care. What the fuck is Brenda DOING up there?”

Lorelei was getting nervous. The small voice in her head was getting louder, and she was really starting to believe this might just come off. Her stomach fluttered at the thought of seeing Charlie again.

And then the doors banged open and Brenda limped into the room. The smile on her face was Valerific. Behind her Gene swaggered in. Oddly, he had removed his boots but was just as tall as he had been with them on.

“Well?” asked The Chef.

Gene smiled.

“I have my money and I had my virgin.”

Brenda eased herself onto a sofa and winced. She looked at Neil.

“I am going to stay here. Gene needs someone to keep him company. And as I am technically undead, I am still a virgin. And always will be. Several times a night.”

Gene was looking inordinately pleased with himself.

“I kill her and then she comes back to life and it like starts all over again! This is splendid!”

He rubbed his hands together and smiled the biggest shit-eating smile in the whole world.
The Chef grinned right back at him. It was all going to plan for once.

“Ace!” said The Chef.

Gene looked nervously around.

“Where?”

*****


They sat by one of Gene’s seventeen pools. Valerie went swimming. Which caused all the men to cross their legs, as she had no costume with her and so did without.

“What now?” asked The Chef.

“You can go home,” replied Gene.

“I fucking knew it,” spat Lorelei. She was tired and hungry and her hopes of seeing Charlie again were dwindling. All Gene had done for the last four hours was talk about himself, how rich he was, how women loved him. And they had all sat there and drunk in every word, waiting for him to perform his magic and bring Charlie back.

And now he was telling them to go.

“Fuck you, Simmons.”

Suddenly Lorelei was furious.

“We did what you said , we have sat and listened to your crap for hours and hours, and what have you done? Fuck all, that’s what! Come on, we are out of here.”

Lorelei got as far as the mansion doors and stopped. She had no idea how to get back to Whitby, no idea where she was. Everything hurt, physically and mentally and she had finally had enough. She sank to her knees, tears dripping onto the gold plated floor. Instantly The Chef and Goat Boy were at her side.

“It’s ok darlin’, its ok. We will look after you. It’ll be ok, honest.”

The Chef smoothed her hair out of her eyes, Goat Boy held her hand. Valerie kicked Gene, hard. Delilah brought Lorelei a hanky. Even Manuel and Neil looked a bit cross in Gene’s general direction.

He was still lounging on a sunbed, a sliver of towel across his lap. A martini in one hand, Brenda in the other. The suitcase cavorted by his feet. They adored each other.

“I said, you can go home now.”

Blood dripped languorously from his lips and his voice was thunder.

And then they were standing in the dark by the Abbey, St Hilda’s church bells tolling midnight.

Lorelei’s heart broke all over again.


*****


The Chef did the only thing he could think of. He cooked. Mushroom and herb omelettes, with saffron rice and Chianti. With the exception of Lorelei, who was kicking grave stones over, they all managed to eat.

“Shit Sandwiches!”

Manuel had come with them.

Goat Boy sighed heavily.

“What now?”

“Maybe we could find Dementer? He’d bring The Other One back,” replied The Chef.

Neil looked thoughtful. That name was ringing a cacophony of bells with him.

“No idea where ol’ Dev is though.”

“True enough. But we gotta do somethin’. Poor Lorelei is just on the edge…”

Valerie screamed loudly and ran from the gypsy caravan where she had been trying to get the kids to sleep by shouting fairy tales at them.

“Stupid horse! Stupid stupid horse!”

Agatha had suddenly reared up and shaken herself loose from the harness, sending the caravan tipping and disturbing most of the Pauls from their semi sleep.
Agatha was now pawing at the ground and snorting wildly. The Chef could have sworn she was smiling.
Goat Boy went over to her and tried to calm her, but she was too excited, her eyes rolling and her breath rasping in the dark air.

“Lorrie? Lorrie darlin’? Come and help!” shouted The Chef, and Lorelei stalked away from the grave toppling and marched over to Agatha.

“Calm down Aggers, its ok. I’m still here.”

Agatha paused and stilled. She gazed right through Lorelei and shook her gentle head.

“Daft mare,” said Lorelei. “I guess you miss him too. But there…”

She tailed off and closed her eyes. A scent of Hi Karate and candyfloss drifted in from the sea.

“No. No. It can’t be..?”

Goat Boy turned around and then grinned. The Chef raised his eyes to where he assumed Gene’s mansion had been and mouthed a thank you.

The man walking up the steps to the Abbey was limping a little, and for some reason was now wearing glasses, but the Kiss t-shirt and the bow tie and the comedy flower were unmistakeable.

And then Lorelei was running, as fast as ever she had in her life, and she threw herself at The Other One, covering him in tear smeared kisses, whispering his name over and over again.
The Other One took her face in his hands and touched his lips to hers.

“Good to be back, honey. Good to be back.”
*****


Later, much later, the others all sleeping, Lorelei and Charlie sat huddled in a horse blanket on a bench by the sea, whilst he told her what had happened.

“After the harpies, I just felt everything slipping away and then there was nothing. Next thing I knows, suddenly I am again, and I’m lying in the middle of a baking desert and there’s this guy, Morrison or something, Jim Morrison, that’s the dude, and he’s going on about lizards and snakes. And then Gene Simmons turns up! And me with nothing for him to autograph or anything!
Anyways, he says to me, ‘Charlie boy, there’s a lady out there who is missing her love gun. You gotta go back. Jim here’ll take you.’ And Jim leads me across the desert and then there is this door right there in the middle of the desert, and Jim says ‘Go through it.’ Well, there’s no handle on it, and I tells him so, and he looks right at me and says ‘That’s a matter of perception’ and then I looks again and there IS a handle. So I opens it and then I am standing at the bottom of them steps and I can hear Aggy and I can see YOU.”

He held her tighter in his arms. Lorelei clung to him. The sheer warm weight of him beside her made everything secure again.

“I love you, Charlie. Please, don’t be dying again.”

He ruffled her hair and kissed her gently.

“I will try not to…”

“Twatting front bottoms!”

Lorelei looked up.

“This, my love, is Manuel. Manuel, this is the Other One.”

“Pleased to meet you,” managed Manuel. “Mr Van-Twilight. He has some interesting Huge Knockers! News for you and your presence is required at the Abbey.”

Charlie looked at Manuel in wonder.

“Where did you get him from?”

Lorelei smiled.

“Don’t ask.”

And hand in hand they followed Manuel back up to the Abbey.

*****



Neil was drinking bourbon with The Chef, and it was hard to tell who was the drunker. But his eyes were bright and his cameras whirled and clicked.

“I got it! I got who you remind me of!”

He was addressing Lorelei.

“Who?” she asked, quickly apparating bourbon and cigarettes for everyone else.
The Chef fell over.

“’sa man. A manly man. A blokey bloke.”

“Get to the point,” sighed Lorelei.

“Badger Buggery!” coughed Manuel.

“Man! Man with a top hat. Called hisself David. But that’s wrong. He’s not called David.”

“Is he called Paul, by any chance?” sighed Goat Boy.

Neil shook his head.

“No! He’s got her eyes and he’s called Dementer!”

“And where was this?” asked Lorelei levelly, despite the surge of excitement she felt.

Neil looked at her.

“Dunwich.”
.

*****

Cheers once more FM. Have a virtual beer on me.